我们养育孩子的目标是让孩子成长为快乐而对社会有贡献的人。这意味着学业成绩尽管重要，它也只是衡量成功的标准之一。孩子需要具有情商和社交能力，才可能在家庭和工作中蓬勃发展。他们需要保持和发展他们的创造性和创新潜能，以及内在的韧性。孩子被推得太厉害，就无法发现自己的天赋，并趋于完美主义。完美主义者无法接纳自己，享受不到高成就带来的快乐，事实上这窒息了他们自己的创造性。

　　.............................................................................

　　英文记录整理：黄敏

　　中文翻译：Taili Zhuang，张景山

　　特邀演讲嘉宾：宾大医学院儿科教授、著名作家Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg

　　下面是Dr. Ginsburg在PCE 2015年会讲座记录摘要：

　　我们先问问自己如何去定义成功。

　　我们常常会犯一个错误：我们看着眼前的孩子想，他有多么成功?这样做的家长往往会过分关注两件事：快乐或者成绩。如果只关注孩子的眼下的快乐而对孩子没要求，那么这样的快乐也是短暂的、稍纵即逝。如果只关心孩子的成绩，就只看到孩子的成就，而不是孩子这个人本身。

　　我们应该先不看眼前的孩子，而是想像孩子成长为35岁的样子，如果家长开始考虑35岁成年人的成功需具体备哪些素质，子女教育会轻松很多，而家长也会更明白如何选择不同的教育方式。我们应该为孩子将来的发展和成功做准备，培育有后劲，能在35岁、40岁、50岁时成功的人。把目标放长远，我们对于成功童年和青少年的理解就宽了。能在35岁、40岁、50岁时成功和快乐的人是什么样的?那不取决于你所拥有的，而取决于你本身是什么样的人。

　　成功的成年人是这样的：

　　1. 有价值感和目标;

　　2. 能修补世界，有同情心、爱心和善良;

　　3. 努力，坚韧;

　　4. 心系他人，珍惜与家人、朋友和社会的关系;

　　5. 坚毅(Grit，向着长期的目标，坚持自己的激情，即便历经失败，依然能够坚持不懈地努力下去，这种品质就叫做坚毅，”Angela Duckworth在2013年TED演讲时，给予Grit如此定义。)

　　6. 具有创造力和创新力

　　7.有社会智能(Social Intelligence)和情商来促进领导力和协作

　　8. 能听取建设性的批评，有终生好学精神

　　9. 韧性

　　如果我们把人生看作一场短跑，我们会尽一切可能冲向终点，不筹划未来。一旦摔倒，我们就输了，所以我们输不起一点儿的失败。但倘若我们把人生看作一场马拉松，那么我们的目标就设的更长远。周围的人要是都能互相合作，互相鼓励，才能走的更远。如果你碰壁跌倒，你爬起来继续跑，寻找一条更好的路。

　　当然，成功也包括好的教育和职业以维持生计，但我相信，以上的品质都大大地增强了一个人在社会上的生存能力，而且能在自己做的事情中找到意义和满足。

　　我们必须要停止去用孩子在十八岁时的成就来定义成功，比如说像爬藤，进好的大学，这种思维会毁了孩子在他们二三十岁、四五十岁成功的能力。

　　韧性

　　韧性是从逆境中走出来、从失败跌倒后能再站起来勇往直前的能力，是一种心态。

　　紧张情绪的激素是人类几万年进化出来的，用来帮助原始人类应对“老虎来了”这种情境。然而人类大脑并没有哪种激素设计得正好能来应对“SAT考试”这类情境。

　　如果我们认为孩子的任何考试，任何活动，任何时刻都可能会影响孩子的一生，那么我们就变成了孩子生活中的老虎，孩子和家长就会天天生活在这种紧张焦虑之中。

　　韧性的一个要点就是首先懂得什么是该焦虑什么是不该焦虑的。

　　韧性的培养有7个要点(7Cs)：

　　能力(Competence)

　　自信(Confidence)

　　人际关系(Connection)

　　人格品性(Character)

　　贡献(Contribution)

　　应对技能(Coping)

　　控制力(Control)

　　高要求

　　对孩子的高要求是什么?是成绩，表现，名校，还是奖项?

　　高要求的定义是家长能知道孩子是什么样的一个人，家长期望孩子能展现出他们的美好天性及优良品质。重点不在于他们取得的外在成就，而在于期望他们作为一个人的内在素质各方面，有很高的整体质量。

　　孩子会因为父母的期望而成长。要是家长对孩子有着高期望，孩子往往会为之努力。但是这里一定要强调清楚，高要求并不指的是外在成就，不是全A，也不是获奖和体育荣誉，而是拥有体谅，尊敬，诚实，善良，负责等等这些家长希望孩子所拥有的优良品性。

　　完美主义

　　为什么完美主义不好?因为完美主义者会：

　　1. 自卑

　　2. 怕拿B，怕不完美

　　3. 怕家长失望

　　4. 缺乏创造力

　　5. 怕批评与建议

　　完美主义是造创力的坟墓。

　　完美主义让孩子感到自卑。这种孩子怕B+，怕失败，怕达不到家长的要求。这种孩子往往趋向于躲避不确定，从而不会去考虑创新。孩子会怕尝试新鲜事物，怕创新，怕一切未知。而真正有成就的人会觉得，能有机会从事自己做的事情是非常幸运的。

　　如果你让你的孩子怕得B, 如果你的社交圈让你的孩子怕得B，那就相当于把孩子的腿打断了。

　　如果孩子怕让家长失望，那一定有情感方面的问题。

　　如果家长怕孩子现在失败，那么孩子长大后往会失败得更惨，因为孩子小时候没学会怎样正确面对失败。

　　什么是无条件的信任?就是孩子不是我们炫耀的产品;孩子不是为了取悦于我们而追求，我们就是毫无条件地爱孩子这个人，而不是爱他取得的成绩成就。没有人能够各方面都擅长。

　　怎样培养成功者

　　要是你把成功定义成去哈佛，那你就把孩子成长过程变成了名校申请履历表的制作过程。

　　要是你把成功定义成孩子在三十五岁会成为的人，你的孙辈会是什么样的人，他们的成功，他们的保障，他们的快乐，他们的创造力，那我相信我们是在谈论好的话题，切中核心的话题。

　　亚洲大学生的自杀率正在飞速增长，其中亚裔女孩在大学的自杀率居高。

　　完美主义在亚裔程度似乎很高。因为完美主义让人自卑。我不希望任何的孩子会遭受如此的痛苦。我非常兴奋和荣幸能被邀请来做这个演讲，因为你们会去把我的教育思想传播开来，告诉大家什么是真正的成功，这样就可以挽救生命。请通过社交网络上传播这样的教育理念，以形成一种社会风气，让家长开始寒暄时不谈论孩子去的哪个大学，考试成绩怎么样，而是谈论孩子是个什么样的人，孩子在寻找自己的兴趣吗，分享亲子关系。如果我们都谈论这样的话题，孩子们就都能成长良好。

　　培养成功

　　让孩子犯错误

　　表扬付出的努力而不是结果

　　建立闪光点，鼓励独特性

　　家长的长远目标 -- 是培养出一个健康的成年人。

　　家长的短期目标 --是培养孩子好学精神。

　　要是家长给孩子太多压力，孩子不再喜欢学习，孩子将来走的路也就离成功更远。人们的成功往往是因为对学习持续不断地热爱。

　　家长的中期目标 --是找到与孩子兴趣契合的方向，促进对学习的热爱。不是什么常春藤，而是孩子真正热爱的方向、为之而努力的激情。

　　告诉孩子什么是错的并不能帮助他们，但是给他们演示什么是对的却很有用。假如你尊重孩子的自立，孩子反而会离你更近。

　　如果你对孩子说，我要你变得独立，我要你自由，但是独立自由需要你的努力去赢得。如果你这样说，孩子的自我形象会很大，感到自己掌控着自己的行为，知道你支持他的自立，孩子会以独立的自我来与家长相处一辈子。

　　有时候孩子表现的无情，装作不爱家长，是因为爱我们而生的伤害。了解到这一点，我们就能够熬过困难的时刻。控制孩子，孩子就会远离你。给孩子独立，孩子会展翅、到处飞翔、降落回父母的窝，孩子会在一生中多次回来。

　　爱孩子这个人，而不是他们做出的成就，这是给孩子一生中最大的力量。

　　“亲爱的上帝，请赐给我雅量平静去接受不可改变的事，赐给我勇气去改变我可以改变的事，赐给我智慧去区分他们的不同。”

　　作为家长也有极限，孩子有时会把家长气疯。这个时候家长需要提醒自己、让自己做到的是爱孩子这个人，给自己时间好好回想一下他们到底是谁，他们的美好天性和品质是什么，那些孩子曾经让你感动的事、那些美好亲昵的时光...

　　那么如何去了解孩子到底是谁呢?那就得改变你是如何看待与孩子相处的高产出时间的。如果家长误以为与孩子的高产出时间就是想方设法、绞尽脑汁琢磨怎样才能让孩子达到最大的成就，比如成绩与奖项，那么家长永远也不会了解孩子到底是谁。家长与孩子的高产出时间是晚餐、是与孩子拥抱和亲密、是与孩子平时的谈论和聊天，了解孩子在想什么。这才是最有效的亲子时间，这样反而会激发孩子的内驱力，取得更好的成就。想反，把注意力放在孩子短期的成就可能会让他们兴奋一阵子，但是很快他们就会丧失激情动力。家长需要让孩子发现自我，明确思想，鼓励他们为这个社会和世界贡献出自己的一份力量，这样才能培养出一个成功的孩子。

　　你给孩子的最好礼物就是照顾好自己。当你照顾好自己，你就是以身作则地示范一个坚韧的人、一个幸福、热爱生活的人、一个充满爱心的人、一个有生活意义的强大的人是怎样生活的。如果我们的全部生活都以孩子为中心，我们就会使四五十岁的成年人生活显得黯然失色、缺少情趣和追求，孩子也因此不会对他们的未来满怀憧憬和希望。

　　英文原文

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　　The topic today is Raising Kids to be Prepared to Thrive

　　Let's begin by thinking how we are going to define success?

　　The biggest mistake we make as parents in defining the success is by looking at the child before us and we say how is my child being successful? When we do that, we tend to be over focused on one of the two things: either happiness or grades.

　　If we only look at kids' grades, we are only looking at what kids are producing, not for who they are.

　　What we have to do when we raising our children, is to stop looking at kids before us and to imagine 35 years old they are growing. If we begin to think what ingredients a 35-years-old need to be successful, parenting become easier, and we understand how to do things differently.

　　We must prepare our children to thrive and succeed far into the future. We should never forget that our goal in raising children is to prepare them to be successful at 35, 40, or 50 years old. When we stay focused on the future, our understanding of a successful childhood and adolescence broadens.

　　What does it mean to be successful and happy at 35-, 40-, or 50-years-old? It is not about what you have, it is about who you are.

　　Successful adults:

　　1. Have sense of meaning and purpose in the world

　　2. Be ready to repair the world, To be compassionate, loving and kind

　　3. Are hardworking and have tenacity.

　　4. Have connection to other human bring, cherish their relationships with family, friends and communities.

　　5. Have grit -- the word of the decade, see life as marathon rather than sprint.

　　6. Are creative and innovative

　　7. Have the social and emotional intelligences that contribute to leadership and collaborative skills.

　　8. Can take the constructive criticism and love learning.

　　9. Above all, be resilient.

　　If you see life as a sprint, you would take whatever to take to get to that end point without planning for the future. When you fall down, you think you fail in life.

　　If you looks life as marathon, you look far into the distance, when you fall down, you get back up and plan a better route.

　　Of course, success also includes being able to earn a living and attain a good education. But I believe all of the discussed significantly enhance one's ability to do so while finding meaning and satisfaction in what they do.

　　We have to get out of mindset of defining kids' success by what kids produce by the time they are 18 years old, which is in the real world is which college your kid get into, as this mindset is destroying kids, it is destroying their abilities to be successful at 20-, 30-, 40!

　　Resilience

　　Resilience is the ability to overcome adversity and capacity to bounce back. It is mindset.

　　We are all coming from the jungle, we are all animals, we are designed for managing stress, the stress we are designed to have is 'tiger attacking you'.

　　We only have the hormone for tiger attacking you, we don't have different set of hormone, says "Oh, my god, I am going to take SAT", If you don't know the difference between what can kill you, what cannot kill you, you would never think.

　　If we raising kids to think any test, any event, any moment would affect entire life, we are turning into tiger.

　　The mindset of resilience is knowing what real tiger is and what paper tiger is.

　　Seven Crucial Cs of Resilience:

　　1. Competence

　　2. Confidence

　　3. Connection

　　4. Character

　　5. Contribution

　　6. Coping

　　7. Control

　　High Expectation:

　　What does it means holding a child to high expectation? Is that grade, performance, college, trophy?

　　Holding a child to high expectation is when you know who your child is, and you expect to see it -- their goodness, their beauty, it is not what they produce, it is who they are.

　　[Below paragraph is from Dr. Ginsburg's book "Building Resilience In Children And Teens"

　　Youngsters live up or down to their parents' expectations. If parents expect the best of their children, kids tend to live up to those standards. High standards really matter, but let me be crystal clear - by high standards, I am not referring to achievements. I don't mean straight-A report cards or pitching perfect Little League games. I mean being a good human being - considerate, respectful, honest, generous, responsible ... you know, the qualities you hope your children have.]

　　Perfectionism

　　Why perfectionism is not a good thing?

　　* Self-loathing

　　* Fear of the B+

　　* Fear of the "D" word

　　* No "out-off-the-box" thought

　　* The death of creativity

　　* Resents constructive feedback

　　What you want your kids to be high achiever, not perfectionism. High achievers feel blessing of doing what he does. Perfectionism are full of self-loathing, they don't like themselves. Perfectionism are terrified of B+.

　　When you are afraid of B+, then that is the death of creativity. There is nothing that is innovative and has the potential to change the world that starts with A.

　　If you make your kids scare of B, if your community makes your kids scare of B, YOU ARE CUTTING OFF THEIR LEGS!!! (Audience applauded)

　　If your kids are afraid of the "D" (disappointing) word, if your kids afraid of disappointing your parents, there must be some emotional issues.

　　If you are afraid of your kids fall, they will fail in their adulthood, miserably.

　　What does unconditional belief means? It means I am not going anywhere, you are not my bumper sticker on my car, you are not producing something for me, I love the person for who you are!

　　Nobody is good at everything.

　　How to build high achiever?

　　If you define success as getting into to the Harvard, then you may be right.

　　If you define success as who your children will be at 35, what your grandchildren will be, how secure they would be, how happy they would be, how successful they would be, how would be not just professionalism, but also would be innovator, I believe we are speaking the right language and the truth right now.

　　The suicide rate is rising dramatically, the steepest arise of suicide rate is among Asian girls in colleges. The level of perfectionism in Asia American community seems very high. The issue with perfectionism is that perfectionists can loathe themselves; I don’t want any child to suffer from that.

　　I went from "being happy to talk to this audience" to "excited and honor to speak to this audience", because the parents in this room can disseminate the message what it means to be successful in this country and that you can save lives.

　　Go on social media, talk about it, make it so as community, you don't start as first conversation what college your child goes to? what grade your child get? but ask: tell me about your child, is your child finding himself? talk about relationship in your family, if we can make that as our conversation, all children will rise.

　　Building high achiever:

　　1. Letting kids make mistake

　　2. Praising effort rather than results

　　3. Building spikes - Celebrating Unevenness

　　Your long term goal - Building a Healthy Adult

　　Your short term goal - Having your Child Love Learning - when you put too much pressure on your child, they stop love of learning. It is lifelong love of learning make people success.

　　Your medium term goal - Having Your Child to Find the Right Match to Foster the Love of Learning - it is not Ivy leagues, it is finding the match that makes your heart sing, make you love to learn.

　　Telling kids what is wrong doesn't help, but showing what is the right way to do make the difference.

　　If you honor their independence, they will come back.

　　"I want to you to be independent, I want you to have freedom， but you need to earn it", if you say this way, they feel large, they feel in control of their behavior, know that you support their independence, and will want to be interdependent with you over a lifetime.

　　The reason sometimes teenagers are tough, something they pretend they don't love us; it is because they love us so much that hurts. When you know that, deep down you can get through anything. If you insert the control, they would never want to come back. But if you give them the independence, let them spread their wings, make sure they are safe，they would soar around and will come back for landings, they will come back to you in life time.

　　Love children for who they are, not for what they produce, this is the most protective force in any child's life!

　　The Serenity Prayer

　　God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

　　With all the said about the resilience, you as a parents, you're going to have your limits, your kids are going to drive you crazy, sometimes, that is true, what are you going to do when your tolerance reaches the limits, first, you're going to fall back on loving your kids, give yourself the time to remember who they are, who they really are, catching them being good, hold them to the high expectation in terms of who they really are, to find out who they really are, to change your view on what a high-yield time with your kids is, as long as you think the high-yield time is supporting what they produce, meaning their grades and their trophies, you're not going to know who they are. The highest yield time with your kids is sitting around and cuddling, sitting around and having dinner; talking about nothing but seeing what is on their mind, this is the highest-yield time, in fact, it is going to make them produce more, trust me. Focusing on what they produce might get them excited now, but it's going to have them shut down later, or might have them shut down now. Having them to figure who they want to be, how they want to contribute, what they bring to the world, these are kinds of things that is going to produce incredible successful kids.

　　The greatest gift you can give to your child is taking care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you model resilience, you model happiness, you model a strong adult who cares, a strong adult who loves, a strong adult who has meaning in their lives. When we focus our entire life on kids, we are not making being 40, 50 look good, and kids are not excited about growing up.

　　Thank you so much!